| ▪▫▪ `` saved by ( GRACE ) but destroyed → by naivety !! ಌ |
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| you could be the death of me |
[24 Feb 2005|04:47pm] |
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time is running out -- muse |
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Adam and Pete can never be together that is beyond disgusting.
Yesterday was a bad day and this morning was kind of shitty too and this whole too much sleep is cueing me back into the fact that presto I think I'm falling back into the ~black pit of despair~ haha no. But I slept way too much when I was depressed and I didnt want to go out or do anything or talk to people and whammo I'm back at that point again. There's no real reason for it and I don't think I'm that badly off because I can actually talk about it so yeah. The last time I seriously considered that fact that getting up and facing life day to day was pointless and gay was well over two months ago now and then briefly last night it was kind of a "what are my other options" spur of the moment lunatic sort of thing. I'm thinking that maybe it's just a week slump or something though, who knows. I'll be okay. I AM okay.
I just need to djlfgkf I don't know listen to happy music and take a walk and call Grace or something.
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[31 Jan 2005|12:21am] |
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if i could -- mineral |
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It's weird how this fall/winter was probably the most screwed up i've ever experienced, but right now I can honestly say I am happy. I don't ever want to go back to the place where I was in Novemeber and December and even January; February is a fresh start and a new lease on life, which I actually do plan on living and not throwing away anymore. I'm still on uppers but hey if they're working that's great, I'm not complaining, my outlook on everything has been hugely improved.
I applied to Humber College, George Brown, and Seneca -- all in Toronto -- for Creative Advertising, Digital Media, and Graphic Design. I'm pretty stoked about that. Gonna get an apartment on Northshore and live it up hxc style haha. It'll be a nice change plus I know a ton of people in the t-dot; Amber is probably one of my best friends now so it'll be so great to live 15 minutes from her, as well as Steph and Omar and Jenny.
Right now I'm still at home but that's okay. I've obviously been doing a lot of travelling; Nova Scotia two weeks ago and then we're leaving for Florida this coming Sunday, which'll be a three week vacation in Orlando at the house we rented there. Gonna hang with ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) finalnotice at Disneyworld ;) and have a sleepover party, haha. Then in March going to Massachuesetts for a few days to visit Jenna, and hopefully Kathleen, Mariesa, and Lindsey in the process. THEN May is gonna be Israel... this trip I just found out about two days ago. Going with my mom to Jerusalem for probably a week, hopefully will not get bombed by terrorists lmao. And BC might have to be pushed till June but I still really want to go.. but yeah thats cool.
I need to get a job when I come back from Florida. Might apply to Nicholsons music store, that would be really great. Or haha Zellers if I have to. Work doenst seem that bad anymore, it will be nice to get out of the house more often and I'll have my G1 and everything, be able to drive alone. I can drive myself to the mall too and finally buy some new clothes, my other ones are getting too big cuz I've dropped some lbs recently which is cool but lmao sucks for trying to figure out what to wear, RIP most of my jeans and hoodies. :(
Mineral is the most amazing band ever, peace.
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[16 Jan 2005|12:41pm] |
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"life is fragile and absurd"
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| i'll look at you and know the world was beautiful |
[30 Dec 2004|01:15am] |
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polaris -- jimmy eat world |
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I'm sick of feeling disconnected. I could take a thousand fucking pills and fucking drown myself in Celexra and Zoloft and I doubt this feeling would stop. It's like being constantly pierced with something over and over and sometimes it goes away, sometimes I honestly think I'm okay but sometimes I just want to die so badly I can taste it. I haven't felt this way in a good two weeks but it's the reason they put me on the meds in the first place and the reason I went to therapy and the reason I have to see Dr. Otto in two weeks. But sometimes it just seems like it's too much effort to get up every day and go through the motions, and keep experiencing these incredible highs only to wham feel the incredible lows. Are the highs worth the inevitable lows. I don't want to die but I do. Right now I could but I'm not and I don't even know why i'm thinking these things. I don't want to think them. I want to be happy and I want to smile and laugh and be thinking about how excited I am for new years in Toronto with Amber, or Nova Scotia next week, or whatever the fuck I don't want to be thinking about how life seems pointless. I was raised to believe in jesus and heaven and I was a born-again christian when i was six, God doesn't reject you even if you fall away right? If i were to die would i go to heaven? i dont want thre to be nothing on the other side. I want to have something there but i dont want to hurt my parents and my family and friends, i dont want to leave people behind who will miss me. i want to be stable and normal again and be able to breathe and not have to suffocate on how i feel or choke on the words i spit out day after day the im okays and the ill be fines. i dont even fucking want to do anything anymore but be alone and be numb to everything around me. i hate faking it every day but sometimes im not.. sometimes im genuinely fine and today my dad even said he thinks im fine and i honest to god agreed with him, i actually questioned myself taking antidepressants but i wonder if ive ever been really ok or if ive just convinced myself of it.. why am i sitting here at 1:30 in the morning analyzing my life and weighing the pros and cons of mortality i should be happy i have every reson to be but oh god i want this to be over i just want to be able to be alright again but its so hard to keep doing this and its driving me fucking insane. i dont care about people like i used to i dont have the same obsessive personality anymore its like im not plugged into anything at all im just sort of there floating into nothing or drowning i dont even know anymore. i just want this all to go away. i want it to end. i want someone to tell me that this is okay and i want someone to love me and know these things at the same time. theres a boy i think i love and theres parents that care and theres friends that are around but what about myself do i even know me do i even understand these fucked up new sides to myself, i used to see details in everything but now i cant even see the big picture anymore
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[28 Dec 2004|11:26pm] |
I'm going to stay with my aunt in Halifax next week, for about 5 or 6 days. This is a good thing because I can finally bail from my parents for a while.
I wish there was a point.
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| the grave that you refuse to leave, the refuge that you've built to flee |
[24 Dec 2004|12:59pm] |
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the places you fear the most -- dashboard confessional |
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Dashboard always reminds me of university because I'd sit there for hours on end listening to all their songs, even though that sounds spectacularly cliche and emo. There's something about Dashboard that kind of strikes you and cements memories into your mind; people say it's lame and whiney or whatever but more than anything, it's emotional in a way that most other bands aren't. This song that I'm listening to now, and probably This Bitter Pill will always stand out the most for me from those few months. It's not really a nostalgia, it's more of a pinpointing of a certain feeling at a certain time.
I just woke up about half an hour ago and my parents, brother, and his girlfriend were gone out for lunch so I'm guessing they'll be home in about an hour. After this I have to shower and go make lunch, then maybe watch Napoleon Dynamite because I keep putting off seeing that.
Tonight we're going to the midnight service at church, then coming home and having a small meal then going to bed around 2 or 3am I guess. And umm tomorrow morning my grandparents are driving up and we're gonna open gifts and stuff, have turkey dinner and I dunno just chill. I asked for an iPod for christmas but I know I'm not getting it because they've been sold out of them in the U.S. and Canada for a good three weeks now, damn. I wanna get one before our trip to Florida though because I do not wanna have to lug 89 cds with me.
Wednesday I started on the anti-depressants. It was so funny reading the side effects, it's like "nausea, tremors, experiencing strange dreams" WHAT IS THAT. Strange dreams? Like I don't have those already lmao. The only side effects I've been finding that I get are a really dry mouth/throat and occasional blurred vision so it's fine. I dunno it's supposed to take 4 - 6 weeks to actually start working and I'm kind of looking forward to that so I stop getting these massive mood swings and getting mad at people so easily and making these weird sudden rash decisions.
Reminder: apply to George Brown and Humber.
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[19 Dec 2004|11:21am] |
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i guess i'm gonna start using this again.
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[12 Sep 2004|10:21pm] |
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Calvin can you please get AIM! :[
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[07 May 2004|08:23pm] |
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Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX |
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[30 Apr 2004|08:04pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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"96 Quite Bitter Beings" - CKY |
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I had a really good day. At school. For starters, my band auditioned, and got accepted for Falconstock. Falconstock is my school's annual big outdoor music festival on May 20th, at night, and it's so rad. It's a big stage and there's a huge pit and a bunch of local/school bands perform. I'm SO stoked for that. It's gonna be kickass.
So, then I came home for school. And my brother was supposed to pick me up from work tonight, well, he's all "sorry, can't, take a cab or something." So I had to fork over $10 to take a taxi home, then tomorrow he cant take me either, so that's another $20 to get to work and back. That's SO FUCKING RETARDED. And if that's not bad enough. k. I hate kids. So i don't have to repeat everything, here is the story.
benj hates usher: [[...and then i got out of work late because these two retarded little like 9 year olds come in AT 7:29, and we CLOSE at 7:30, and take FOREVER and FINALLY return with this cat collar and are like "do you have string so we can make a leash so that we can take our cat for a walk?" and i'm like AHGSKJASOA(S*ASA)SA and have to GO FIND STRING FOR THEM, and FINALLY they leave at like 7:40, and i still have to close and everything and my cab was waiting, and ugh]]
benj hates usher: [[i ask you, WHO THE FUCK TAKES CATS FOR WALKS]]
So yeah. All in all, a gloriously shitty end to the day. And then WOOP DE FUCKING DOO, i get to wake up tomorrow at 7:45 for another wonderful 4 and a half hours of work. And then Sunday is Annual for Cadets, which will fucking suck and is 7 hours of drill.
Sometimes, I really, really hate life.
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[27 Apr 2004|04:41pm] |
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"Ender Will Save Us All" - Dashboard Confessional |
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ROFL.
benj hates usher: [[O genki desu ka?!! ^-^;]]
getdowntoBIZness: [ Ew stop ]
getdowntoBIZness: [ Oh my God. ]
getdowntoBIZness: [ I went downstairs. ]
benj hates usher: [[WAI WAI! =^^=]]
getdowntoBIZness: [ And mom had a glass of soda on the table. I went over and took a sip. ]
benj hates usher: [[NANI KA?! o_o]]
getdowntoBIZness: [ And it was grape soda. ]
getdowntoBIZness: [ But I was expecting Coke ]
getdowntoBIZness: [ So I started gagging ]
benj hates usher: [[Kami sama~~! SUGOIII! #^.^# I luv grapes!!]]
getdowntoBIZness: [ If you don't stop, I will block you. xD ]
benj hates usher: [[NANI?! YOU WOULDN'T, LORI-CHAN. ;_;]]
getdowntoBIZness signed off at 4:40:48 PM.
OH MY GOD, WHAT A BITCH. >:[
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| it sounds like heaven is falling |
[25 Apr 2004|10:46pm] |
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"School of Assasins" - Anti-Flag |
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Whaaaat a weekend. Friday night, I worked, and that was CRAAAZY. This million-year old woman came in, with tons of blush on her cheeks and really thick red lipstick, and she was wearing an old lady rain hat and a big coat and it was like 15 degrees outside and sunny. So she sets these two bags down on the counter, one containing a newish electric can opener from the store, and another one containing this old, dirty, nastyass electric can opener that belonged to her. It was about this time I noticed she smelled really weird and yucky, and then she started rambling to me about the can openers and how she figured hers had run out of batteries, and so did she need to buy the new one or could she return it? And i pointed out the fact that there was a cord and plug so it didnt NEED batteries, and then she holds out a key and is like, "Here's the key".
Clearly by this time, I'd realized she wasn't.. all there. So I sent her back to see if Jeff could fix her can opener. Apparently while she was back there with Josh and Jeff, she'd rambled about humidifiers and stuff. So THEN she comes up again, and by now she was the only one left in the store. Jeff goes on the storewide intercom at the back and says, "HELLO THIS IS GOD. ALL YOUR CAN OPENERS BELONG TO ME." The old lady, completely oblivious, starts filling out the return sheet. And Jeff, once more... "YOU WILL DIE SEVEN DAYS AFTER SEEING THE MAGIC HUMIDIFIER." By that time I was dying of laughter, and Old Lady could not hear Jeff at all, and the page system is SO loud! LMAO it was so great.
Yesterday was the first pipe band competition of the season. :') My band did SO well. For grade five AND four we pulled a second place which was amazing because the grade 4 band, which I'm in, well one of the pipers drones were totally off at the beginning and the whole first part of the 4/4 was TERRIBLE. Then during Cullen Bay, we kept screwing up the one drum section. Blegh. But all in all it was a fun day.
I came home afterwards, then an hour later Jaci drove over and picked me up, and we went to the mall. I got a pair of khaki pants with the cool built in belt thing, and they're all comfy and nice and great.<3 I also got the Rock Against Bush volume 1 cd, and since it's Devon's birthday tomorrow, I also got her the Dashboard Confessional CD "Places You Have Come to Fear the Most", as well as some bath stuff and candy and a Beatles birthday card. :')
Today I slept in till about 9:30 (yeah :[), then put away all my clothes and changed my bedsheets and cleaned up my room and stuff, woop. I also showered, did a facial, and re-did my toenails in a nice light pink polish.
All in all, a good weekend. :D
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[23 Apr 2004|09:51pm] |
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accomplished |
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"Al's War" - Less Than Jake |
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AHAHAHA. <-- A special gift for Megan. >.>
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| wish i was a little bit taaaller |
[20 Apr 2004|11:05pm] |
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giddy |
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"Dammit (live)" - Blink-182 |
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Matt Can Skank: ((are you high?))
AHAHAHA. I <3 you Amanda.
Anyway today's only half-decent picture. :[ Lori wouldn't stop making fun of the other ones. GOD IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT THE SHIRT IS SO MIND-BOGGLINGLY BAD LOOKING AROUND THE CHESTAL AREA OKAY LORI. >:[[[[
Cadets sucked, BUT I'MA BE A BUSY BUSY BEE for the next month or so. It aaall starts with the Hanover pipe band competition this Saturday. Then the next weekend is Annual for Cadets, then the NEXT weekend is my EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY HAHA BITCHES, then the weekend after is the Washington trip for Cadets YAY, then the following weekend is when I get my wisdom teeth out :[, AND THEN THE LAST WEEKEND IN MAY EVERYTHING IS WRAPPED UP WITH THE BLINK-182/THE USED/TAKING BACK SUNDAY CONCERT. \m/ All in all, lot's to look forward to. I love being busy. :')
Rob is great, I adore that guy. He said he's gonna crash prom just to hang out with me. And in the fall when I'm at Brock and he's at Georgian College in Barrie, he claims he is going to drive to Brock and visit me a lot, and we'll have crazy dorm parties and run around the hallways drunk and in our "skivvies". <-- his word, not mine. xD
HAPPY 420 GO SMOKE UP KIDS. :D
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| and i know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic |
[16 Apr 2004|09:19am] |
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"Mixtape" - Brand New |
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Yaaay, Lori's making me skip English this morning. :D No, actually, I'm skipping because it's just more English presentations and my group did ours yesterday. Plus it gives me more time to study for my French test this afternoon. I gotta leave at about.. 12:25 though. :[
Anyway, I JUST DOWNLOADED THE GREATEST SONG IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.
( 'Bob' by NOFX. )
I have to work tonight from 4:00-7:30. Uuugh. And then tomorrow morning from 8:30-1:00. aldjskdsjlksd i hate work sigh.
On a lighter note, I will probably have ZERO homework this weekend. \m/
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[15 Apr 2004|04:40pm] |
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"Barbie Girl (cover)" - MxPx |
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Haha this song is amazingly great.
ANYWAY. K. Exciting news. I TALKED TO RICKY YESTERDAY FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER OMG OMG. But it turns out he's the world's biggest prick ever. Me, Devon, and Alex were walking down to the drama room because we thought that's where we had to give our demo tape to the battle of the bands people. So THEN Ricky comes along, with his hot cousin Jonah, aaand..
Me: I don't think the auditions and stuff are here.. -opens door, looks in, only to be met with the sight of the christian fellowship group- Oh. I think it's Christian Fellowship...
Ricky: Uh huuuh. Whatever. -walks away w/ Jonah-
Me: Umm, it might be room 329? -calls after him-
Ricky: -ignores-
Me: :[ :[ :[
So we went to room 329, gave the demo, blahblah me and Jenna were walking down the stairs a little later and passed by Ricky.
Me: It IS room 329.
Ricky: -blatantly ignores-
Me: :[ :[ :[
And such is my life. But today was fun nonetheless. :)
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| nothing feels good like you |
[14 Apr 2004|03:41pm] |
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"Red and Blue Jeans" - The Promise Ring |
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God, I'm gonna die. Seriously. I am SO tired. I actually fell asleep last period, during French, today, but my teacher didn't get mad or anything. He just let me sleep.
So last night at about 5 Jenna called me to tell me auditions were TODAY for battle of the bands. Of course everyone panicked and we had a FOUR HOUR emergency practice, from 6:30 - 10:30. In my living room. It was so loud, but it was fun. I love playing with the band. We ended up recording our covers of Stay Together for the Kids by Blink182 and Blitzkreig Bop by the Ramones. If you would like to hear samples of these covers I can send them to you over MSN, just IM me and ask. No problem. Anyway, so we recorded our music onto a tape and then by 11:30 everyone was out, and THEN i recorded it onto the computer.
Anyway so I got to bed around 2. Then at school right now I have major projects for each of my three classes, which is doubling the homework load, PLUS all these band practices, hardly any sleep, AND WORK. I'm DYING. tonight, for instance. I have to leave for work in 5 minutes. I get off at 6. Go home, inhale some food, then leave right away to go pick up Alex and drums, and get my bass and amp loaded up in the van, then be at Vanessa's at 6:30. then practice from 6:30 to maybe 10ish. THEN come home, work on my history stuff - primarily research, and a 300 word summary - of Czar Alexander of Russia, and then do some english stuff on Chekhov. if i'm lucky i'll be in bed by 1.
Someone shoot me now. I just wanna go curl up in bed and sleep.
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| now our hands are tied, the problems lie within |
[13 Apr 2004|03:16pm] |
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"Sidewalks" - Story of the Year |
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Haha bitches, LOOK AT MY NEW LAYOUT. SAB MADE IT. SHE IS GOD. I LOVE HER. <33
Anyway, what a grrreat Easter weekend. On Friday I slept in, loafed, worked, rented Tony Hawk Pro-Skater 2 (WHAT A KICKASS GAME), then Saturday I went to the mall with Devon. I DIDN'T GET ANY CDS. You should all be proud of me. I got a Yellowcard t-shirt from West49, and then a pink v-neck shirt from The Gap, with a matching pink bracelet. :] hxc, I know.
Sunday was boring, went to church, blahblah, voice chatted with Jordan. Yesterday I worked. Today I went to school for first period and lunch, then skipped my last two classes and came home. :\ I am regretting that at the moment because I think we started a project today in French. ruhroh.
I love Amanda, she is my husband ok. /End.
OH AND CHECK OUT THE SHAUN WHITE ICON I MADE HUH HUH. Sigh I am so in love with Shaun. <3
Apparently battle of the bands auditions are this week. :[ :[ :[ I am so scurred. We have a massive practice tomorrow night and I have to learn Stay Together for the Kids on the bass for it. Or CAPZ WILL BE BUSTED.
Bye d00dz.
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[12 Apr 2004|11:37am] |
HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY, LOIS!!!
ILU MUFFIN! :-* :-* :-*
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| HAHAHAHA. |
[09 Apr 2004|02:00pm] |
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cheerful |
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"Ender" - Finch |
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lori rocks it: [ OMG. My grandma has a dog named Bizzy. ]
lori rocks it: [ And he humped my head the other day. ]
lori rocks it: [ >:[ ]
Matt Can Skank: ((omg your grandma has a deryck?))
Matt Can Skank: ((DERYCK HUMPED YOU!!?!?!))
lori rocks it: [ MY HEAD. ]
benj hates usher: [[LMAO]]
lori rocks it: [ I was laying down, and he jumped on my head and started humping it. ]
Matt Can Skank: ((lori and bizzy sitting in a tree. h-u-m-p-i-n-g ))
benj hates usher: [[roflmao]]
lori rocks it: [ As I thrashed around and screamed until he got off. ]
benj hates usher: [[XD]]
lori rocks it: [ AS IN, GOT OFF OF ME. ]
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